I often refer to the “script” as a term for describing a tape that is playing within each of us that we are not even aware of and its role in the choices we make every day and hour and minute of our lives.  The script is often something we have been taught by our parents or guardians or village leaders.  They may have taught us in words or actions.  For example, we were taught by our mother to put other people’s needs before our own needs.  This teaching sounds to be very positive and teaches people to serve others and to be generous and giving.  The Golden Rule is another guiding principle that we have been given to live our lives in a way that teaches us to be caretakers for one another.  This rule many would say is one to live by.  

What if this Golden Rule was also one to die by as well? The airplane attendant tells the passengers to put the mask over their faces first because they have to say it that way. The script would say put the mask over someone else first.   What do I mean?  Most of us are taught to think of others first and to put ourselves last on the list.  Where do we get this teaching?  We get this teaching from our script.  The script dictates to us how we are supposed to live our lives.  We take the script that we have been given and adopt it to make it our own.  We are now programmed by our script to live our lives according to it.

The script becomes the most powerful player in our lives on every level.  There are no exceptions to its influence in every decision we make.  The script is our sacred scroll that takes priority over everyone and everything else.  The script can promote our well being and it can also contribute to our disease.  The script can empower us or it can endanger us.  We often don’t know what role it is playing because we are unaware that it is even playing.  We are programmed by this silent and yet at the same time loud tape that dictates to us how to behave in any given situation.  

Let us use the tape that plays for us to put others before ourselves.  How we interpret this tape is our choice.  We may stand in a line in a grocery store and see the person behind us has only one item.  We allow that person to go before us. We are seen by others as being a generous person and our behavior is rewarded with a warm smile or gesture.  We feel good for doing such a kind thing.  Later in the day, we are driving down a road and someone wants to get in the lane that we are currently occupying.  We slow down and allow that person into our lane.  Once again, we are rewarded by a hand gesture or a smile.  We feel good for being so unselfish.  

Even later into the day, we are invited to go to a movie with a friend and the friend asks us what movie we want to see and we say whatever movie you want to see is fine with me.  The person selected an action movie and we wanted to see a sci.fi movie.  We  go along with their selection even though we don’t really enjoy watching people shoot and kill one another.  The person we are with is having a great time and we are sitting there feeling angry with ourselves that we didn’t speak our truth. This may seem like a small matter and one that doesn’t make a difference.  There is a pattern that develops and that pattern becomes a habit where we don’t include ourselves in any decisions because we don’t matter.  We are unworthy of taking our own wants and needs into consideration.  We go from putting others before us to not even being on the list.  We become invisible to ourselves.  We have made a choice to leave ourselves out whether we are aware of this choice or not.

This is the role of the coach to bring an awareness to a blind spot in the way people make choices according to their script. It is the first step in the ALOHA model.  The coach listens to the story that the heart surfer tells and listens without judgment.  The coach listens with both ears and heart to what the heart surfer says and equally important to what the heart surfer doesn’t say.  The coach listens in such a way that the heart surfer feels heard and understood.  The coach asks questions that allow for further understanding and clarification.  The heart surfer begins to reveal through the telling of their story the issues that have contributed to their disease.  The coach asks the question, what does your script say about how you made this choice?

The role of the coach is to teach the heart surfer about the script and how it determines the heart surfer’s choices. Secondly, the coach raises the awareness of the heart surfer to be able to recognize the need to make a change in the script.  This may be through reframing the script in such a way that the script no longer supports making the same choices that were toxic for the heart surfer.  The coach empowers the heart surfer to make changes that will allow the heart surfer to move from a sole survivor to a soul thriver.

 One of the techniques that may be used is called Absurdity.  I often use this technique with heart surfers that I work with.  I say absurd things to the heart surfer to challenge their belief system.  I say to the heart surfer, I want you to give yourself permission to say I am selfish.  This word, selfish, is a toxic word for many people because it goes against the script.  Anything that goes against the script is rejected immediately because it does not fit.  I tell the heart surfer that the path to healing is through their willingness to be with what may be uncomfortable or unwelcome.  I remind the heart surfer that they are in charge of what they want to change.  I ask the heart surfer what bothers them about this word selfish?  They tell me something in the script forbids being selfish.  I ask the heart surfer what does selfish mean to them?  The heart surfer often tells me it is a sin or wrong.  The word has such a negative meaning attached to it that the person can’t even allow herself to say it.  This is when the coach challenges the heart surfer to say what is uncomfortable. SELFISH.

The coach then asks the heart surfer to redefine the word selfish by saying me first.  I use the four magic words to give myself permission to put me first.  How does that feel?  It may feel uncomfortable and even threatening to the heart surfer because it goes against the script

 The role of the coach is to be supportive of the heart surfer to the extent that the heart surfer can become aware of the need to make a change. The way this awareness is raised may challenge the beliefs of the heart surfer by saying such words of heresy like selfish.  Change is not possible without struggle.  A plant can’t come through the ground to the surface without struggle.  The struggle is what allows for the plant to grow and for the plant to produce flowers that bloom.

I want you to do a homework assignment and make a radical change for yourself.  For example, I want you to go to a restaurant and order dessert first.  My script says no dessert before I finish everything on my plate.  This kind of radical change would be very different from what the script allows.  That is precisely the objective of this assignment.  Allow myself to be uncomfortable with my choice.  The willingness to be initially in a state of discomfort with this new choice is the path to making successful changes that promote my healing.  Now, I am going to have some ice cream before my dinner.  

SWAY