Developing Relationship with Self

I have  shifted from being a teacher and counselor in the educational world to being a life coach.  I wasn’t sure how to describe myself as far as what specific kind of life coach until recently when I was writing my bio.  I am a relationship coach.  I focus on relationships in every coaching session that I have with the surfers I coach.  It isn’t possible to have a session without talking about relationships.  The topic is always present whether it is discussed directly or indirectly.  It is still a focus of the session.  There is no way the session can’t be about relationships.  I will support that statement a bit further in this blog article.  

Healthy human relationships have five essential components to them: choice, connection, communication, celebration and covenant.  Relationships are a choice not a mandate that comes from a genetic bond or some other form of societal norm based upon the values and beliefs of others.  The truth is forced relationships don’t usually work unless both parties are willing participants.  Relationships are most often a connection of one person with another in a meaningful way.  Meaningfulness can be viewed in many different ways based upon a surfer’s beliefs and values.  Operating within the surfer’s beliefs and values is essential to building a relationship with the surfer.  Communication is essential because this is the means for sharing thoughts, feelings amongst individuals or group members.  Covenant is an essential component because a relationship is personal and spiritual. Relationships are sacred and divine.  There is often a spoken and equally important and unspoken agreement with the individuals.  That sacred communication is LOVE.  Celebration is another aspect of a relationship and it can happen anytime.  We don’t have to wait for a special day or anniversary to celebrate.  We can always celebrate NOW.

It is important to recognize that relationships are a CHOICE not necessarily a genetic link or mandate.  There are many people that we are connected to in life either genetically or through some type of social organization or affiliation like through the church, school or at the workplace.  These connections with others aren’t necessarily relationships.  They are connections with others brought about more often from outside forces or factors.  Relationships may be made and developed through these outside factors.  They don’t have to be though.  We can choose to be in a relationship with any of them if we want to.  I have some family members that I choose to be in a relationship with and I have some that I choose not to have a relationship with.  I often ask myself if I want to be in a relationship with others? There have been some bosses that I have chosen to be in a relationship and there are others that are JERKS .  I don’t choose to be in a relationship with those people.  I make a different choice regarding them.  I choose to interact with them as little as needed or possible.  I do what my father-in-law taught me and make the best of the situation.  Sometimes acceptance is the best choice to make.

As a relationship coach, I focus on many different relationships with the surfer.  My purpose for being a relationship coach is to empower the surfer to be their own authority in their lives in who they choose to be in a relationship with.  In order for that to happen, the first relationship always begins with the surfer.  It is what I like to call the “ME”( My Empowerment) first approach to coaching.  

The one relationship that the surfers I coach most often ignore or leave out of consideration as a relationship in their lives is their relationship with self.  We are all in a relationship with ourselves whether we want to admit it or not. Let’s take a look at the four components of a relationship and see how they apply to ourselves.  We are all in a connection with ourselves from the moment of our conception.  We are connected to our first language, which is our communication with ourselves. We have been given in our perfect design this form of self communication which is the language of Love.  We are in a divine and sacred relationship with ourselves. We choose to be in a relationship with ourselves.  We also choose to celebrate our relationship with ourselves for who we are and not what we do.  We are WORTHY of celebrating who we are.

This last one may sound odd and like it ought to be a given. Duh!  I want to emphasize the word CHOOSE because we can choose not to celebrate being in a relationship with ourselves just as easily as we can choose to celebrate being in one with ourselves.  We do have a choice.  How many times do we choose to distract ourselves from being in our own self-relationship by focusing on other people, places or things rather than spend time with ourselves and be still?  Relationship is a choice to be with ourselves and “like” if we are not in a place of readiness to “love” who we are, not distract or avoid or deny who we are. That isn’t a relationship.  That is fear of seeing ourselves for the true and authentic person we are, which includes both our flaws and our strengths.  

We can divorce ourselves from others, and we can divorce from ourselves.  I know many of us do our best to be divorced from ourselves in the way we live our lives for others before ourselves.  This approach to the way surfers live may be attributed to the teachings that we are given at an early age about placing the needs of others ahead of our own needs and wants in life.  We are taught to make others a priority and to focus our energies on them.  We are taught to give and in return we will receive as well.  Most of the surfers I coach are what I describe as ” Extreme Givers”. The lessons we are given is that we are here to live our lives from an outside- in approach.  We can only have for ourselves what is left over from our giving to others.  We are only deserving of the scraps or we aren’t even deserving of those if somebody else in greater needs wants those.  We are taught to be grateful and to have appreciation for what we do have.  

These teachings of sharing and giving to others are wonderful ways to be generous and loving toward others.  They are values and beliefs that belong in humanity.  They have meaning and purpose to promote harmony amongst us.  

At the same time, these values and beliefs can be toxic and promote disharmony in the way they are presented from an outside- in approach.  The teachings aren’t the issue, the way they are implemented is the issue.  

I can remember when I was a teenager and I didn’t love or even like myself at the time.  I was both gawky and geeky.  I was just beginning to grow and I had no coordination.  My feet and ears were always bigger than the rest of me for quite a time.  I was lost in most ways of life.  My home life was unstable and dangerous.  My academics weren’t important to me.  My social life was pretty much non-existent except for partying with my fellow workers down by the canal after we closed the fast food restaurant every night.  I found alcohol like many before me had in my family to make myself as Pink Floyd said “comfortably numb”.  I would roll out of my friend’s car and into the driveway of my home.  Sometimes, I would continue to roll down the driveway because I was so drunk.  I barely passed high school.  I pretty much did everything I could to sabotage myself to fail.  I was barely a “survivor” at best.  My “smarts” in school gave me enough to pass even when my father told me I didn’t deserve to pass or go to college.  He may have been right in the deserving department.  For whatever reason, I did pass and I did get accepted into the one college I applied to.  

I had one thing going for me at the time and it was an awareness of something that was within me.  I read Your Inner Pilot Light:  Connecting with the Infinite Source of Love, Guidance and Healing by Lissa Rankin.   I had what she  calls an inner pilot that was telling me something different from what others were telling me about being deserving.  I may not have been deserving based upon my poor performance.  I was WORTHY.   My inner pilot was always lit within me and it was speaking to me however so softly at times.  It kept saying, “I am worthy.” That is what my inner pilot continually has told me throughout my life.  This inner pilot or spiritual energy is what has encouraged, empowered, inspired me not to give in to the certain teachings of others and to persevere even through the most difficult of circumstances in my life.  My relationship with myself has been the choice to look beyond what others told me about who I am and to choose to see my true and authentic self, which includes both the flaws of my humanity and the perfection of my divinity.  As a sole survivor, I chose to focus only on the flaws.  As a  SOUL thriver, I have chosen to seize my divinity and embrace my perfection.  NOW, I choose to Celebrate who I am!  

One of the teachings that many surfers are familiar with is taught in this way to love thy neighbor as thyself.  This is a beautiful teaching and it does promote community and connection.  The teaching is often presented in an outside-in approach of loving thy neighbor before self.  The emphasis is placed on loving thy neighbor over self.  This emphasis promotes the surfer continually putting the needs of others over their own needs to be in alignment with this teaching. 

What if we got RADICAL and made a shift in the way the teaching is presented and said love thyself as thy neighbor?  What would be the difference?  The emphasis shifts from loving neighbor to loving self first.  This change in the way the words are presented differently allows for a RADICAL shift from the teaching being an outside- in teaching to an inside- out one.  This shift is a powerful one because the surfer can now be considered more in the teaching.  Previously, the surfer was near the bottom or often left out when the teaching was presented in the outside- in approach.  Now the surfer can be placed first and then others can benefit as well.

What about giving to ourselves first?  Where does that come in for a surfer?   What prevents this RADICAL shift from happening?   The answer is FEAR, which Dyer calls, (False Evidence Appearing Real). A surfer is afraid to put themselves first because of three strong feelings that keep the surfer connected to being a survivor.   They are: self -induced guilt, blame and shame. These survivor feelings allow the surfer to remain lower on their own list of giving to themselves or not even on the list.  The surfer is invisible to themselves and can only be visible through the recognition of others in their lives.  This way of living and receiving validation is living according to the outside- in approach to living.  

I use what I like to call a RADICAL approach to coach the surfers to empower themselves to heal.  One of the RADICAL ways to heal is for the surfer to make a shift in the way they have chosen to live from an outside- in approach to an inside-out approach.  This is a HUGE shift for the surfer to make because it contradicts the teachings that they have been given by others.  This approach is strongly discouraged because it interferes with the agenda of others who want to CONTROL us in the way we make choices for the benefit of others.  

CONTROL is the one component that doesn’t belong in any healthy relationship.  Control is about manipulation to get another person to do our bidding, not what is in their best interest.  The others operate out of FEAR of losing control if the individuals they govern over have a different choice to choose from as far as where to begin in their giving.  The others are not necessarily good or bad people.  They too have been programmed in the same way and they are only continuing the teachings they were given by others.  Others can be parents, family, teachers, community leaders and anyone other than the surfer themselves.  

 The biggest fear of others is that if people did start putting themselves first, there would be chaos and disorder.  Words like SELFISH have been placed into our vocabularies to remind us of placing the needs of others ahead of our own.  Presidential speeches have been written to reinforce the need to put the needs of others first.  Rules have been written to guide us  in our decision making of how to live our lives for others.  Recently, the new buzz word to keep us from being selfish is the word NARCISSIST.  Books have been written to give us the warning signs of these types to prevent us from getting into a relationship with them.  The SELFISH word just wasn’t working as effectively anymore.  We had to crank it up a few notches and we did.  The need for CONTROL of the masses has become greater with all of the worldly issues happening.  The teachings tell us that we must consider the needs of others before our own if we want to continue to exist as a world society.  What stronger FEAR than death could be implemented to keep us living this outside- in approach?  

The RADICAL approach I invite the surfers I coach to implement in their lives isn’t really that radical after all.  It is the same approach that the flight attendants talk about before the plane lifts off of the ground.  The flight attendant tells the passengers to put the oxygen mask over their faces first before putting it over the faces of others. I have sat on many planes in the last few years going back and forth from the alternative healing center to my home for the weekends.  I have heard these instructions given many times and I haven’t heard anyone protest them yet.  

I know part of the reason nobody has protested is because people hope that they will never be put in that situation.  There is no fear if the likelihood of it happening is minimal.  Some people ignore or don’t listen to the instructions because they are distracted by other things.  Some people already know that their identities of helping others first as Caregiver or a Protector will override the instructions and that they will react in their habitual pattern of putting others first. 

There really is nothing to fear because in this RADICAL inside- out approach to living our lives, nobody gets left out of this way of living.  This shift to making choices from a  “ME” first position of abundance allows the surfer to give to others from a place of abundance and not feel so drained at the end of the day because the surfer is exhausted.  The surfer can take care of self first and be that much more able to give to others from a place of LOVE rather than a sense of duty, responsibility and obligation to others to remain in the group and belong.

The RADICAL shift is to shift the Identity that supports putting others first to a new identity of putting “ME” first. Choosing to put “ME” first makes sense that we would choose to put the mask over our faces first before others because we would be able to breathe.  Breathing is essential for living.  Breathing allows for us to think and reason.  When we can’t breathe, we become desperate to breathe.  This need is instinctual and doesn’t have to be taught.  Desperation is fear and fear is panic and panic leads to desperate actions whether intentional or not.  In this state of panic and desperation more people may be harmed as a result.  This kind of chaos could have devastating results for everyone on the plane.  We can’t control what others might do in a crisis.  We can only control our response over our reaction to it.  In order to make a response, there needs to be a space to create the opportunity for the response to override any initial reaction that may be programmed into us.  This space requires the surfer to be able to breathe and take a step back in order to make an intentional response that isn’t derived from a fixed mindset out of habit both in our thoughts and feelings.  The surfer can still maintain the identity of being a caretaker and a protector.  The RADICAL shift is those identities NOW start with “ME” first because the surfer is recognizing their own worthiness to give to themselves first.  

The surfer who shifts to the “ME” first approach is actually better suited to help support others in a crisis because the surfer is now operating from a place of ABUNDANCE rather than scarcity.  The surfer who is fully able to breathe has that much more energy to give to others from this place of abundance.  This is the RADICAL shift from making choices from an outside- in approach to an inside-out approach and everyone, including the surfer benefits from this shift.  

I invite the surfer to give themselves permission to breathe and create the space to make a different choice.  Making a shift in our feelings from the ones that promote our remaining a sole survivor to the SOUL thriver  feelings of self- love, compassion and worthiness is part of this RADICAL shift to being a thriver.    

This new awareness of seeing the situation in a different way from our programming is what empowers us to make a different choice from the programming.  Otherwise, we remain on auto pilot in our habitual way of doing things as a survivor. We survive in a relationship with ourselves when we choose to be an auto pilot.  We thrive in a relationship with ourselves when we choose to surrender and allow ourselves to be connected through awareness with our inner pilot.   I invite surfers to choose to be in a relationship with your inner pilot and thrive.  I invite all surfers to say, “I am worthy of being in a thriving relationship with myself first.”  Simply put, “ME FIRST”.